A little-known side-effect of the COVID pestilence was a lethal organism called Anti-Funk. This attacked red blood cells so savagely that musicians found themselves only able to play hymns, God-bothering country tunes and songs by Mariah Carey or Justin Bieber. Many burned their instruments in disgust, and became florists or chartered accountants. Dancers, meanwhile, found their booties immobile and their arms glued to their sides.
What to do? The Funk Klub’s Dr Funkenstein developed a secret vaccination (rumoured by a Mr Kelly to involve red blood cells, whisky and filtered swamp water – but don’t try it at home). Having used himself as a guinea pig, the good doctor administered the vaccine to his colleagues, Professor Steam Funk, El Funquero, Brother Funk, Buddy McFunk and Doris Darque. When they stopped pulling faces, a (verbal) motion was moved and seconded (and thirded by someone who didn’t quite understand the protocol): “Let’s get funkier!”
New songs were born and old ones stripped to their briefs and clothed afresh. Non-funky notes were forced to pray on their knees to be invested with the Funky Spirit, and entire songs were put on a dangerously high steroid dose to raise their funk factor to a radical 15.5 (out of 10). So dare to hear steroid-fuelled versions of The Godfather Love Theme, Fulsome Prison Blues, These Boots Are Made for Walking, Summertime, Game of Thrones, Feel it Still, Come as You Are, O Fortuna, Come Together, Can’t Get You Out of My Head and so many more, and meanwhile marvel at what McFunk and Darque get away with while evading the full force of the Sensible Police.
If you see the band masquerading as alter egos John Shand, Nigel Glassey, Albert Van Gestal, Craig Reardon, Andy McDonell and Jill Day, keep a safe distance: they’ll be in full-focal funk mode – a very low and smelly place.
The Funk Klub’s Bouncing Back Ball: Baroque Room, Saturday May 8, 8pm. Tickets: www.eventbrite.com.au/e/the-funk-klub-baroque-katoomba-tickets-149095848697?aff=ebdssbdestsearch; Velvet Fog, 4782 5277; The Little Lost Bookshop, 4778 0100; at the door (if not sold out). $25.